Saturday Went

It is eight in the morning on a Sunday and I am very awake.

Speech went well yesterday. Sort of. Well I got first in OO and my face was basically like

and then I got sixth and Great Speeches. I went straight 1s in prelims (meaning I was first in every round) and then went 5, 5, 4 in finals which really made me laugh. Like people were feeling bad for me and admittedly I've never done that bad in a final round, but you know what I broke when a lot of people on my team didn't so I'm not going to waste energy feeling bad that I got sixth place rather than third.

My coach was like, "What do you think went wrong in Grsp?" (didn't feel like writing it out)

& I just kind of shrugged. Because tbh I don't know. They all wrote good things. I messed up but  that's about the only thing I think happened but my recovery I thought was actually good. What bothered me was the way he phrased that like getting sixth is shameful, when my friend I was sitting next to didn't even break and that's so obnoxious. 

Anyway I told him I sucked and I wanted to rewrite (because he was going to go watch me) & then he was like "Maybe that's why I should go and watch" and I just told him please don't. 

He seemed really confused.  I mean I don't blame him; I give my speech(es) to him all the time and it's fine but having him in a round is nervewracking. Like he's my OO coach and having him watch oratory still threw me off so much.

I guess I was talking fast too because my time was 8:59 an it's normally between 9:05-9:15 (which isn't too bad it means I rushed a sentence or three) and I asked him like was I talking fast? 

And he was like "Yes!" 

I think he was really disappointed by my performance too. Like I could see his face and it was like

on the inside he was probably like 

Man and then when I sat down, like I was sitting next to a coach on my team and I expected her to say good job or something (pretentious of me but the last time she watched me and that one was actually not a good performance, she said so). 

I just feel like everyone was really not impressed with my performance and the fact that I got first was probably more surprising to them than me. Ugh. I should have looked at my coach's face to see his reaction! Now I regret not doing that.

I'm such a loser man though. I feel like I bumble through life. I'm just awkward and unlikable and sometimes I don't really know why I exist.

That was sort of another train of thought but god damn seriously.

I really really want to return to Wattpad but like I feel like I'm expecting people to be like woohoo you're back and really no one is actually going to care so idk. 

idk generally.

I'm supposed to clean my room and I should start studying for the ACT and stuff.