The "Growing Up" Thing

I've been thinking a lot.

Since the end of last year to now, something has seriously changed in me. Maybe since my future is so close and all my other friends are finding careers that actually seem practical, I'm realizing that I don't just need a "back-up" career, I need to find something I'm passionate about (aside from writing) and do something with it.

That's the thing.

I've sort of realized that there's more of a chance of me not becoming a writer than becoming one. So what's the point of making plans and working out my life? I've even decided that I'll major in English and either minor in creative writing or just take some classes, but I won't stress on it.

I've even started re-evaluating the English decision (it was the research paper).

I think I've figured out what changed in me: I grew up.

Not a whole lot, I'm still wildly inappropriate and immature, but there's a huge part of me that's started thinking more on the practical.

I won't be a writer.

I want to be. I would love to be. But it's time for me to explore other options.

The ideas are always going to come. Ever since opening those floodgates in the second grade, they haven't stopped coming, and they never will. So I won't stop writing, I'm just going to stop writing with the mindset that this is my career.

And I don't want to end up in some cubicle crunching numbers or talking to people on the phone because I let myself dream a little to big.

So it's time to grow up, put the whole writing thing on the shelf for a little while and figure out what I want to do after that.

I was thinking next year that I'd do an independent study and see if I could write a book as my independent study, I might still do that, or maybe I can see if my school can hook me up with an archeology or paleontology internship.

Or maybe I can try and find one at a publishing house or something? Who knows.

I don't know exactly what I want. I've never had to think about it, but truth be told, I'm a junior in high school and the only ambition I have is to be a writer.

I deactivated my ask now, but I remember looking at the other wattpad writers who were roughly my age and all of them said they would love to be a writer but *insert passion/career path here* and I think that sort of hit home with me recently.

The one thing I've always hated is watching people's dreams die, watching that light fade from their eyes, but I'm starting to think it's time to let the dream die a little. At least suffocate it for a while.

I love writing.

I really do.

I don't know who I am when I take away the writing part. And maybe that's the point? I don't really know who I am? What would I do with my free time? How would I fall asleep at night if not to a new story in my head?

But maybe it's really time to explore that option.

I guess that's why grown-ups don't really get kids. I guess I have one foot on that tight rope. I'm not saying I've grown up, but I'm growing up. And now I think I kind of get it, on some level. I think everyone's had to let a passion of theirs die. Put it on the shelf until they forgot about it and when they went back to it, they lamented over the lost years of their lives, staring at their cobweb infested, dusty dream.

Maybe that's supposed to make me more driven. And don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm never going to try and get published. That's not what it's about.

This is purely about finding a new passion. Not something to replace writing, but something in addition to it. Because if I won't be a writer, I don't want to be doomed to some boring career where I'm unhappy and hate my life.

I'm just going to explore my options. Figure out something else to do with my life. Maybe writing is meant for the nooks and crannies in my day, for the nights when I can't sleep or am bursting with energy or am to stressed and fed up to talk to anyone.

Maybe it's meant to be shared with the world, maybe not.

All I know is I'm seventeen and maybe society expects me to figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to do with my life, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to listen.