Chapter 42: The Journey

In writing the last chapter of Imperi's Deception, I feel strangely vacant. I keep thinking about it critically, making plans and outlines, but when I sit down to write it, a sort of stage fright makes my stomach knot and my fingers clench over the keys. I realize that I can't do it.

And not because of the fans.

That's not what the stage fright is over. I mean if it were, then I would never get chapters done. And lol I would actually edit my chapters (I've gotten so painfully lazy with this since I started ID hah).

Truthfully, I hate endings. I love them so much but I hate them. Because an ending means goodbye and even if it's just 'ta-ta for now' it still means the absence of a constant. Like Muffy, I could use something in my life that's constant other than my hatred of school.

Not only that, but an ending makes or breaks a book.

As much as I complain and rave about how ID has prevented me from starting other projects or been extremely taxing to write, and despite that being true, I'm going to miss it. It's my favorite book so far. And not only because it's way better than TNS. I have fun writing it. When I don't make it homework for myself, and it's not any of your guys' fault. Seriously, as far as pressuring fans you guys are barely a needle prick and I love you for that.

But seriously, I hate choosing favorites because there's always something I love (and hate) about each book I write:

1. The-Book-That-Has-Not-Been-Named: It feels incredibly personal because it's the first book I've ever written, these characters were loosely based off of my brothers and I. Each character had their own distinct voice, literally this was the book that helped me find my voice as a writer (though I am still finding it I'm sure). And it's the first story that took on a life of its own, seeming to write itself at times.  I loved writing every moment of it, even if it did take two years to write, and this was pre-wattpad.
2. Four Kingdoms: It's been renamed and slated to be rewritten, but it was my very first nano, and again another adventure in voice-finding. Blaze is literally one of my all time favorite characters and I loved writing in his POV so much. It was challenging because aside from being 50k in a month it was also entirely in Blaze's POV (third person).
3. The Necromancer's Secret: My first 1st person novel. First book I finished on wattpad. It was very much something that I enjoyed writing. I stopped writing around ch.28 only to return months later, right after nano was done, and rediscovered it. I discovered that it was promising. It still has promise which is the only reason I haven't deleted it. Yet this book introduced me to my coming frustrations with all the rest of my stories. Not only were there similarities to HP (most of which I never caught until someone so helpfully pointed them out) but it was also when I discovered how important planning was and how bad the plot was, but I did enjoy writing it.
4. Ultimate Price: Now, I look back at the story and I love it. I love the ending, I have a few chapters, but honestly, and I don't think ever explicitly stated this, I hated writing it. At least at first. From Chapter 7-15-ish I hated every moment of writing it. Well that's not true, but I hated a lot of it. I thought my writing was awful, the story felt flat and boring, and I didn't really connect with the characters. I then planned out the rest and once I dived into it, I seriously fell in love with it. But there were times when I wondered why I was even writing the book. But I've fallen for it, much more now that I'm done with it, so that the book seems salvageable. Much like #'s 3&4.

So there we go. And I had trouble finishing Ultimate Price. TNS was a breeze because it was the first book I finished for wattpad. Blaze's story was a complete race to the finish line because it was Nano. And the first book, I remember having this ball of anticipation tighten in my stomach and wanting to leave and stop for the day, but, realizing how close I was to finish my first book, I talked myself into it, flexed my fingers and wrote the rest.

I know exactly why I had trouble finishing Ultimate Price. If you've read it, you'd know why. I'm pleased with the ending, and much more now that it's done, but y'know it was super difficult to really have the balls to write it. And so I didn't for a few days. Because I had fallen in love with Lillyana and Ben and I didn't want to end it.


I've loved each and every single one of those books, despite any hardships, but I've always been able to finish them. But ID has given me the most grief and stress about all of them.

Someone once said maybe it was because I'm a perfectionist?

Trust me, that isn't it.

I know the truth, but like a parent adamant that they don't have a favorite, I do. And it really is Imperi's Deception. Maybe it's because I'm writing it right now or maybe I just genuinely enjoy it more than I remember enjoying the others. Despite the fact that it's taken me a year and a half to write it, I don't hate it as much as I may have seemed to it. In fact, I don't hate it at all. I mean it's by no means perfect. I wish I would have gotten my shit together far before now, and even as I sit, I'm frightened of what the next book will hold, but let's be real for a second.

I think I feel more into it now than I did a year ago. After my hiatus, stepping back into Muffy's tumultuous story of possibly the worst things that could happen to a sixteen year old girl, I loved it. I was more into it, and I felt Muffy more. And I realize how creepy and inappropriate that sounds but hey  that's the truth.

Sophomore year was the worst for me. And it was for a lot of personal reasons, but when I got back to Muffy, I think I released a lot of it into her. So as much as I've struggled, and still continue to, with writing this story, I truly love it with all of my heart. So much so that sometimes I literally just want to talk about it with someone, but I can't because a) none of my friends write it and b) I'm cut off from wattpad.

Oh &

I think I can do it.  I just have to push through this. It's sort of like a favorite season of a TV show, y'know?  You love it and you can't wait for the finale, yet you hate that it's ending at all. Even though you know you have another season, you know for a fact that it won't be like this one because it's not that one.

In the next book, at least in the rough sketch I have of it in my head, Muffy goes through a lot of changes. That could be a huge factor into why it's hard for me to write this. Who knows?

Anyways, I've developed a plan:

This was developed after thinking about past endings/watching a few of my favorite season finales (only the final scenes) of supernatural. Particularly season 5 (aka my favorite season).

I made a bit of an outline:

thought it's changed a lot from what I had in this craptastic outline. I think I know what I want now and I think I'm truly ready to let go of Muffy for the time being.

In the words of Carver Edlund aka Chuck from Supernatural, "Endings are hard...but then again nothing ever really ends, does it?"