Um...Just Kidding?

So you know how I said yesterday would be my last speech competition? Apparently it isn't...

I'm relatively confused about what's going on, to be honest.

haha remember how I posted in a blog post the other day about how I'd be lucky to break at sections because I was so tired? I mean that was my mood in the morning, and after second round I was like "Fuck me."

So I didn't expect to break. They posted it, and I was very last. (I actually went straight 2's).

Now, see, the thing about Great Speeches, is that it's very boring to listen to. I get what I like to call the Great Speeches Headache very frequently. I was mentally ranking people in my head. The senior on my team who broke I thought would have gotten  1's or 2's (she really wanted to make it to state for her senior year).

Anyways, when I went up there I was like: Let's give this bitch like it's the last time I'm giving this bitch.

According my critiques there were a few spots where I just needed to slow down (seriously, fuck me). And after reading the critiques I'm still like: They made a mistake.


There were four judges. THREE of them gave me a 1. One gave me a 4, which honestly, I agreed with.

Dafuq?

I know I'm not terrible, I mean I've had a great season to counter that, but I really didn't think the writing and structure of my speech was good enough to make it all the way to state.

My analysis SUCKED and these judges were like "Oh, it was better than the other people's."

On what freaking planet? Like these are judges that are CHOSEN. Like they know their shit, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Okay, so I felt really good because this senior came up to me afterward and she was like, "Damn girl. That was really good. Since I went first, I could actually pay attention and you are really good." 

This chick is amazing. She seriously is. So good (I'll get to her placement and this is why I don't agree with it). & she pretty consistently does well. Much better than me.

She honest to God is though. I've only beaten her one or two times this season. otherwise, she ALWAYS beats me. And last year, as a junior, was her first year. And she made it to state.

Her speech is actually really good and INTERESTING this year. I mean in the category that I'm in, interesting is important. Because they get bored. Easily. That's why when you're last you're kind of like "Oh, great."

But sometimes last and first are the best spots because people are just like, "Alright."

So afterward, I was talking to some people and they asked me how I did. And I was just like i'm not making it to state. It isn't happening.

.....I feel like I really need to get punched in the face.

Okay, so my best friend that I made join speech (and she's had an awesome season so far) is in the same category as me. She and I were talking before awards and she was doing a really good job of not being bitter.

(Seriously. Speech can turn people into bitches, which is what I should keep in mind for what's coming next. Because it's personal. The judges are judging you. Literally. You just have to do YOUR personal best. That's what is important. Nonetheless, I still love this activity).

I mean I didn't think she would be because as competitive as she is, she does want me to do well. And we were just joking and talking about it. And I was like "I am NOT making it to state. But Senior definitely will."

And she just kind of shook her head and said, "Watch you make it to state."

to which I repsonded with: "No. The highest I could get is 5th. And honestly? I'd be happy with that. This isn't like Fairmont where I say I'll get last and get third."

....I shouldn't be allowed to say things. I mean really. I really really shouldn't. someone should just sew my mouth shut. But then you know...speech wouldn't work out. and apparently it's the only thing I can do.


So I go up there. And say Fifth place from My City, and I nodded, thinking I'll take it.

but she didn't say my name. She said the Senior's.

:(

So then it keeps going and she says fourth and it ISN'T me. I hear gasps from my team because I was sitting there telling everyone and their mom that I wasn't making it and I'd probably get last.

So they say third still isn't me.

And by then I actually am mouthing "WHAT?" and then say second place.....




It STILL isn't me.

And i try to fight the grin cause I didn't want to seem like un-humble you know. But I was sitting there in my head (actually standing) but in my head I was like: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?

The woman who gives me my medal and the paper with all the breaks on it was laughing when she shook my hand. "You look shocked," she'd said.

"That's because I am!"

I seriously got back to my seat all dazed and confused and everyone was just like "Good job!" And the senior was crying and she sat in front of me, and I felt really bad. So  i kind of wanted everyone to stop so that she didn't keep hearing that. But people were like "Atta babe," and "Way to be a boss."

I think it's because I have such low confidence in myself generally that they all felt the need to congratulate me.

Apparently I almost looked sorry when I got first. That's what another teammate told me when we were changing.

That's because I was. I thought the Senior deserved it.

Anyways, so Mr. Speech coach like pats me on my back and was like, "You just dominated that final round."

And I was like "Yeah I guess. It's weird." & I really hoped that the senior didn't hear that.

But ahh. It was crazy. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. Like I really didn't believe them.

I was waiting for them to say, oops. That was wrong, we read them backwards or something like that.

Only one person that I thought would make it to state did. She's actually a speech buddy of mine. She hugged me and said, "I knew you'd make it."

I was like "I didn't. This is so weird."

The girl who got second place definitely should not have. Her speech is good, and she has pretty good delivery, I just think her gestures (which bounce...a lot) could be better. She kind of overgestures (though I have that problem too.) I told my friend that she wouldn't be making it to state either and that I just really wanted to beat her and if I did, I would be happy.

Apparently I beat everyone.

Okay, so remember the friend? Yeah, she seemed almost upset when i sat back down. I was like

Sometimes I feel like when I do well people hate me more than they normally do. Of course not everyone, but the really competitive people and for some of them I'm just like "Calm your pectorals, we are not even in the same category."


But yeah. I got so many hugs and i'm STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact that not only am I going to state, I got FIRST.

The highest I've ever gotten is second and then at SECTIONS where the judges know what they're doing I get first?

AHHHHHH.

On the bus ride home I figured out that my friend was just having a bad week and so she was really upset that she did "bad" and that I'm "good at everything"

-__- I was like "I choke on air. Like literally. The only thing I'm "good at" is speech. What are you even talking about?'

I think she's just used to doing better than me in basically everything so she expected to do better in speech. (Which is completely unfair because I've been in it for longer. And for her first year she'd done better than a lot of people in their second year, so idk why she's upset).

She turned to me and told me that she was going to beat me next year.

I didn't really know how to respond to that so I was just like "Okay..."

How do you respond to that?

But in the end, we just kind of talked and she said I had made her feel better. So it's just that she's been having a bad week and this was the cherry on top of her ice cream (I think that's the metaphor).

So really, I guess I don't mind. It's just frustrating that I felt bad for doing well. And I feel like that always happens. Le sigh.

Anyway AHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO STATE BITCHES. I don't even know. And I'm actually going to work hard! Like I'm going to go in depth on my analysis and slow dis' bitch down. I only went fast because I was worried about time. Fucccck. I bet they time you in every room at State.

Kill me. Please.

But seriously.


So I guess I won't have more time to write like I thought. This is actually going to make me busier because I'll probs line up a BUNCH of practices for Speech so that I can be confident and all that good stuff. And since I think I should probably make some changes...ahh I'm going to talk to Mr. Speech Teacher tomorrow and figure out my shit.

I almost don't want to go. And then I'll have to mmiss more school and get behind on things again. Omfg. I can't deal with that.

I almost want to do a Watty check in and tell everyone (because despite the mixed feelings I probs expressed in this I'M REALLY EXCITED. it just hasn't sunk in yet. I'm still confuzzled ter be honest) that I made it to state and that I will have less writing time, but I will for sure be back on May 17th. But i don't want people to see I'm on and descend on my message board like a bunch of vultures, demanding that I upload. (Which they're already doing).


I CAN'T CONTAIN THIS AT ALL.

I know for a fact though (I know this won't bite me in the bum later) I have no chance at state. It's STATE. Plus, it'll be the amazeballs people who beat everyone like every single time.

Well adios bitchachos. I'm out.